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Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box

I remember speeding around in my SUV last spring, windows down and sunroof open, singing with imaginary others beside me: "Jai Guru Deva, Om"...Crooning to the heavens or out to anyone in the cars beside me who would listen... And I remember my heart was just about to jump right out of my chest, and my voice was full and deep and reached out from all the way down in my belly.

I thought at those moments I was invincible.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

And I remember walking with him on an usually bright day, around a tremendous circle of water- the mirror the clouds looked down into as they adjusted themselves above us, and I thought the path would never end... But then we walked, to the end of the world, and I saw that it was glorious. And then he asked if I would like to have it... And I said yes, please. And then a week later he put it in my hand.

The problem is I don't think anything else after that could ever top it.

Pools of sorrow, waves of joys are drifting through my open mind

I remember sitting at tables, across from faces I love, being showered with presents... and realizing I had everything, feeling so full, and feeling done. I got everything I wanted... there was nothing left to impress, to plead for, no more reason to suffer.

At these times, I felt lucky. I also felt lost.

So then I undid it all. Tore down my happiness, complicated feelings...

I guess... I just don't like to feel done.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup

I used to tell my mother I didn't know how she could ever settle for her boyfriend. I mean sure, they got along well enough sometimes, but sometimes I just wondered if it was really enough... I just wondered if she could do better. She said she was happy with what they had. I never asked her again. Now they are married.

Successes scare me.

Cause after the struggle, the longing, the wondering if he and if i and if we will ever tell each other... well after all that... then what? What next?

In acting class we have been talking about avoiding going to neutral in our acting scenes, in other words -for you "civilians" as one of my professors likes to call non-actors- always be going for something as your character, always be trying to get something from the other character. Know what you want from that person, and then do everything you can to get it. It makes the scene more active, and more exciting as you as the actor have to try a variety of ways to get what you want from the other character. Many actors go to neutral after they have actually gotten what the want, or loss the battle completely. This often results in losing the audience, as we become uninterested in the action on stage because there is no longer a conflict.

So there ya go.

Which is mainly to say, I am scared of going to neutral. Because if I stay too happy, too settled... I guess I am afraid I might just disappear into the background. My life will no longer be interesting to my audience. I get to these highs... and I feel great... and then I continue pushing everything in some other direction. So it seems there always needs to be some obstacle, some conflict. Most of the time in the struggle for greatness I am the cause of that obstacle all by myself.