I do it just because I want to

Since the moment I decided to move to New York, I have been an on adventure. Leaving my parents to move to the desert on their own, leaving my perfect boyfriend with more time to focus on work without me in the way, leaving the theatre community I know and am comfortable in, leaving most of my family, and most of my friends. Leaving it all to go into the wild, to take a bite of the big apple. Apples never really were that filling. I mean sure in a pie. I mean, but when you think of it, when you are hungry, the apple will only give you a taste of feeling full, but it leaves you empty and thirsty for more. New York is rightfully named.

I did something not safe. And it felt great. For a while. Then the homesickness came, then the masturbators on the train, then I got fired for the first time, then the loneliness, then I didn't have a place to live, and then the word "career" made me want to puke. Then I prayed. I hadn't done that in a long time. It's not very easy. I feel like God sees me naked. He sees my scars, my love handles, my pain, my secrets. Especially those. And recently I didn't like God very much. But I can't lie to him. Cause I can't lie to myself, not when praying out loud. So then I did something else kinda crazy. I faced reality.

Today on the train Ani Difranco whispered on in my ear and the train clanked along the tracks and told me something she told me before but I had never listened:

Cause the world owes me nothing, we owe each other the world...

And I realized I had a responsibility to get off my whining ass and go an participate in the world and fail for once in my easy little life. That I owe that to every person who has looked at me and thought I had everything. That I will never have everything until I truly experience what it is like to have nothing at all. And finally that joy sometimes is a reward greater than success.

I do it for the joy, it brings...

So, I'm a real starving actress now folks.